Happy New Year!!!

2011 wasn't that bad but I am looking forward to 2012. We should be meeting our boys soon and bringing them home. I guess it is time for the resolutions not in order of priority.

1. Get a better job
2. Stay in the walk with God
3. Learn to be a parent
4. Work harder on Tiger
5. Bring my three boys home
6. Join at least two social organizations
7. Make friends
8. Take a four day vacations
9. Have a real spa day
10. Loosing 75 pounds

Christmas 2011

The more things change the more they stay the same.

I am so blessed but still aching in my heart although the hole is smaller than before.

Thank you Lord for sending you son. For the joy of the season. Happy Birthday Jesus!!

One week down one to go before we will probably hear anything on a date for the next meeting. I watched DH and Family seem to really enjoy this Christmas and I did too but mostly I just wanted to get another day done. One more day closer to getting my boys.

Funny I just keep thinking about them and us and having faith that they are happy tonight and what our future holds.

another day of waiting

Yesterday the relicsening worker came. Her main mission was to see that we have the room for three children as our licesence was for two. We were so afraid of this woman. We were told she was so strict and so mean. She got here and I was so nervous. She actually called and moved our appointment up because she had a death in the family. I was greatful because usually dccfs staff would just put you a week out. I had cookies and punch (hot) for her. Everything was going standard, she complimented the house loved the new beds (even sat on them) loved the crib room (sat on that also and almost broke it). We came downstairs and I complimented her hat and then she sat down for the cookies and we talked liked girlfriends for the next 45 minutes. She really seemed to almost need a friend. She even called the social worker supervisor right here in front of me to report that everything is fine.

Then later that afternoon the social worker called me that afternoon to see if the worker was still here. She said she would call me right back the worker was calling in. That was 23 hours ago.

Ok my boys, I know we won't be together this christmas but I know I will see you soon.

This is where faith kicks in as I have faith that God is protecting my boys.

take a hint and chil

We got the beds together and the Drawer set together. I called the social worker to arrange her visit for Tuesday. Sent and email to the other SW to let her know we are progressing. She sent me back a very nice chil out email. Her email told me that she is still waiting for information from the boys social worker and regardless the next meeting won't happen before the holidays so Merry Christmas.

I understand. This is just a job for them but then again I don't. I hated the holidays when I worked at NACA because I knew people where always wanting a house for christmas. I would explain and explain the process and make sure people understood the cut off dates. I would stay extra late in October and November just to help christmas come for people. I also would make sure that December people knew it probably was not going to happen any time soon.

It just seems that when children are involved priori. . . I just have to be patient.

The beds are here

We put up the twin beds last night. They are side by side but can convert into bunk. We have a new licensing worker and she has given the inclination that she is tough. She was kind enough to give us her cell phone once the room is ready. I will have it ready by this weekend. Just need to put the dresser together. We don't want the room to be crowded and it is tight but not to tight. We will move before the boys get big.

Todays mission is to get pictures, sheets and curtains. Tony wants Fatheads for the wall.

No bounce back

When I email the SW on monday I got the "out of office" within minutes of sending it out. I sent and email today. I needed to know if the meeting tonight was still on. Well no bounce back yet. I think I will go assuming the meeting is on. Hopefully that means she is back at work and able to move our case forward.

The worst part about CFSA is the feeling that only one person works on each part. It seems like no one else is available or has any idea of what is going on.

I got the money today to buy the beds and the lines today. I am doing that because the coupon expires Saturday.

Also running to ATL this weekend for Angela's funneral. I was at her graduations, her wedding and the birth of one of children. I guess this makes it an end of the road.

This run to ATL gets more expensive for the foundation everytime I turn around. It is still cheaper than a flight though.

In other family news - I just don't even feel like it now.

Tuesday

As if it was possible but I do believe this week is longer than last week. I almost feel like yesterday is still here.

"You will get a call at the end of the week or the beginning of next week"

Reason number two as to why I can't go to Angela's funeral in ATLANTA. - I have coupons I have to use on Friday or Saturday. This is actually important. I can get the mattresses for the boys for $89.99 each which is big savings. Regularly the beds are $99 I have a coupon that I can get them for $89.99. Money I won't have until friday and the coupon ends Saturday. Not like I can buy it over the internet.

Patsy has offered to buy the bunk frames as a "baby" gift (welcome gift would be better). That is wonderful. I guess I need to make her somebody's God mother now. May be over all three, like Mavis. My fear is one Godmother out performing the other.

1:32 no call today I am sure.

Missing messages

Since I am the only one following my blog I guess it doesn't matter. Several recent thoughts are gone. The one I wrote about the pre-lim back ground conference. Hard to rehash this moment but for me I fell more in love with my boys. I got to see thier picture. Tony and I were more determined than ever to have them. Friday I had written this statement about how time has moved a the pace of a snail waiting for the next step and call. VL said she would call by Dec 9 to let us know if we are selected as the parents. and then she added the dreaded or it could be before. That puts you in limbo. As I was typing I got word that one of my best friends had passed away. She was 44 years old.

This morning I sent a (keep me in mind) email to VL. I got an out of office reply that she was on emergency leave starting Nov 28. UGGGGHHHH!! What??!!!

My children have been in FC since 2009 they need to come home. Yes I am being selfish I want to have them with me.

Her email directed me to her supervisor who I call and just said my name before she told me that we would hear from them later this week or the first of next week. End of call.

Angela's funeral (wow that was hard to type) is Saturday. In Atlanta. That is a 12 hour drive each way.

I can't get an answer on the boys and I don't want to be out of pocket. I need to be at least 4 hours in the area.

Tony is believing they won't call before next week. We just don't know.

I have their bunk beds ready for me to his send and they will be delivered. A dresser also. I have a good price ready.

OK another slow day.

Beds and recliners

This weekend I spent in La La land. That is what I call it when I spent more time day dreaming and planning for a future I don't have yet than participating in life. I find myself in La La more and more. All I think about is preparing for the boys. What I need to do next. Where will get the beds, what schools will they go to. What would they be doing today if they were at home. Look at that little boy Brian is about that age.

I understand that this could take some time and they won't be home before chirstmas but visitation should definitely start before then.

We had out telephone conversation. We found out details about the boys. Phsycally they are perfect. Omar has astma. Omar has also had a little trouble behavior wise and has been put on a form of Ritlyn. He been thorugh alot and of the three remembers more. They have been in care since June 2009 and in the same home since Junce 2010. They may be a little behind academically but everything seems to be overall promising to me.

Tony is excited also. It is wonderful. I can't wait to meet my boys.

Only Fair

The day after the 6 week old needing emergency care we got another call from the Child and Family Services. This time when the woman called and although Tony and I had our talk that I don't have to speak to him to accept an emergency placement (like I would ever do that anyway)I still wanted to show him some respect as an equal member of the household. Mrs L asked me if my husband and I would be willing to have a phone presentation call about children who were up for adoption (not foster care). Three boys ages 5, 3, and 1. I was in complete shock because we are only licsensed for two but they have been given permission to have us certified for three as they want to keep the brother together. After getting the particulars of the process and when we can say no, I thought if I can get Tony to just take the call then maybe this lady will say "Hey I know of a baby or two that will fit better". I call Tony prepared to convince him of how important it was to take this call and as soon as I said three for adoption he said YES!!!I wanted to say who are you? Then after alot of soul searching about how much work this will be for me, I am now completely on board and can't wait to meet my sons, Omar, Joseph, and Bryant.

We find out more in 25 hours and 15 minutes.

I feel set up

Tony is the one who made us began the classes for foster/adoption. He is the one who was speaking so positively that maybe this is the way God has planned for us. Then this. I get a call that they have a six week old baby available today for a short term stay. His parents have been arrested for Domestic Violence and they need a place for him just for awhile. I was ok that they we weren't going to keep him. Then Tony just says "NO.". He wanted to wait to speak to the relicsensing and placement workers, as Tim mentioned. We got a hold of Tim two hours later and he explained that there is a liability issue without talking to these workers. He will try to speed up these calls now. I also called Mom to make sure she would be available to come up the weekend I am gone to help Tony out. She was more than thrilled at the idea.

I had the whole thing planned out in my mind. If I had to the baby would come to the event tonight(it is only one hour). Then I would call in sick Thursday and Friday and get him set up in the day care at the church. I would go to Target tonight for onsies to make it though Thursday and Thursday I would but the car seat carrier ($38) and . . . so much and then it's gone.

After this roller coaster Laurin invited me to go with her to a noon day service. I figured it was God calling me in for a hug so I went. It was a good service about God testing Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his only son. The son that he and Sarah had prayed and wanted for so long. Abraham obeyed and before he killed the son an Angel spoke to stop him. It was only a test to see if Abraham would obey.

New Attitude

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Frankly the last year. The last month I wake up in tears. Feeling bad was feeling normal. I found myself putting myself down in front of people all the time. Work is horrible as they keep making comments about models and the face of the conference. I feel like I just don't belong.

Now I am changing my attitude. I am changing my accupuncturis more due to logistics. Dewitt's office has closed and the new office and it's hours would require me to take off work half a day. That just won't work. I am going to another woman near here same price and she has great reviews. I am also looking into a new RE for a procedure we actually can afford. In the mean time I am working on my weight. I went to a class last night and I felt better than I have in a long time. More like me. I can't wait to go tonight. They were very nice.

Had a good long talk with my cousin T. She had IVF and she is an OBGYN. She s tressed the weight and generally made me feel better.

I really needed that.

Depression is toxic. This one was really different. It really didn't feel right to not feel sad. I almost felt like if people caught me smiling I was wrong. And don't give me a compliment which would be really hard to do I couldn't accept that at all.

It's not over but I feel like I am trying to get out of this whole with the dirt piled on.

I need you Jesus

Jesus,

I need you bad today. I woke up to horrible leg cramps and three hours later the cramps still hurt. I could tell you details on how bad this day has been and I have only been awake three hours. I am not doing well at all. I broke down on the street crying. I know that is not the person you want me to be.


Tony and I are presenting this case to you. Our case is based on your word.

God, you said in Genesis 1:28 to be fruitful and multiply. God how can we do that, unless y ou help us?

God, you said in Psalm 112, that our children will be mighty in the land. God how can that be if you don't give us children?

God, we have done everything we can do, now we are presenting our case before you based on your word.

Knowing that you are faithful and true to what you said.

In Jesus name, AMEN

New turns on the roller coaster

AF showed this morning after two days of being MIA. That had to be the longest two days of my life. I had just started to get excited. I finally let Tony in on my secret yesterday afternoon only to disappoint him this morning. He is really great and I feel like $#!+. Physically my body put me through it all yesterday - Headaches on and off that were borderline migrain. Backpain on and off. Tired and insomnia at the same time. It gets better right?

hmmm

Here is something different. It is CD 25. Which means I am one day going on two of being late. Yesterday was torture. Kept waiting. and Waiting. I took an HPT test and pretty much it look negative but I do have the gift to see lines that are not there. I will take another in the morning. I pray this is a good thing. Keeping it to myself for right now. Will tell Tony after the test comes back. Please Jesus I have faith you will work this out.

Feeling very down

I guess this is one of those moments I just don't feel like I can win. It seems the more we try to save the more stuff keeps comming up that we need money for. We are only up to about $6,000K right now. Need at least 6 more. I am dumb founded as to where it will come from. Anytime soon that is. I can put away maybe 2k in August and Sept and I can probably stretch it to 3 k more. Why is this so hard? TEARS TEARS TEARS. Maybe if I cry on this board I wont do it in the office. nope not working. Just not a good day.

Nothing new

Today is such a blah day. My breast hurt (as usual) and I have heartburn with the bonus of a hiccup. It is so heartbreaking to keep having all these "signs" and they never turn out to be anything. I just can't focus on them any more. Need to start thinking of other things.

no luck again

Not sure how I am righ this moment as I am at work and crying just won't with this heat. Started spotting today will see if it turns into full hope it holds off one more day just so I don't see a 23 day trend starting. That may more show less time left to have Tiger. Just really sad right now. I think I could have come to terms with not having a child if I didn't have a husband, because it took so long to come to terms with that part. Then he showed up and I thought great we should be able to get this baby in right under the wire. Now that looks almost impossible and I have no one to blame but myself. I am old. I am overweight. No one but me created this environment.

what I learned

Yesterday I went and up and down the hill of illness too many times to count. I did learn how to sneak into the office we use to make private calls and go to sleep for 15. TWICE!!! What a great idea I felt like Einstein that I discovered it. In the car with Tony this morning sitting in traffic - sleep!!! Whatever this is I am at least learning to live with it. I still feel tired but it starting not to bother me as much. I guess I am starting to really believe this is a positive sign. Still too early to test but I am hopeful. Then it turns out I have 7 hours of comp time. I am taking it Friday and trying to see if I can sleep untill Saturday
My breast feel like they are cought in traps. That is not as unusal. The one part that I do hate is that people keep telling me I look sick. My neighbor last night on the deck (where we have girl talk) told me she could tell I was sick from the sound of my voice and that I just seemed sick. I thought I was doing good, I had just slept for two hours. Time to go work.

better then worst

I was starting down that hill again so I went to get some soup. I was very happy that the Potato Soup was on the hot side. Took my time to get there. Felt like I was walking for ever. So tired and I couldn't find anywhere to just sit down. Then I came back ate my soup and started filling so much better. That was an hour ago. Now I feel like I have been hit with a mac truck of exhaustion. This is freakin weird.

back on the hill

Well day 8 or 6 whatever but again I feel real bad. I felt great this morning when I woke up. I felt good when I go to the office. For the last hour I feel it all going down. The nausea is up and I the no energy is going over me fast. I have eaten and am drinking plenty of water but not feeling better. Really want to go home but to embarrassed to be sick again and not pregnant at work. Hopefully I will feel better later and this will be another come and go instance. Funny if I knew I was pregnant I keep thinking I can withstand this illness in a different way, but I would still feel sick and make it through so that is why I am going to try not to complain now and just deal with it. I had a lot of ceverical mucas yesterday and I think it was kind of a mustardly color. I don't think that is a good sign so this cycle is probably a bust also and I just have a lot of Progesterone making me sick. I feel so bad physically and emotionally.

not as tired

The good thing (I guess) is that I am not as tired as yesterday. Still not 100% but much better than before. Health wise it is good baby wise it kind of scares me as to if I am producing the progesterone hormone that would make me tired. I guess I will know next wednesday.

I really hate this. I just want to get pregnant and have a healthy happy baby. Please Lord.

still tired

I don't know what is going on with me. Last Tuesday I stayed home because I woke up tired. I had been pretty busy the days prior and piling on the exercise so I didn't really think it was a big deal. Plus Tony is on this new vitamin from the Acupuncturist and . . . Let's just say he is keeping me up a little more than usual. Then Wed was ovulation and it can pretty uncomfortable and I just wasn't in the mood to see my co-workers. Thursday went back to work and exercise full strength. Friday felt like I had been hit with a Mac Truck. I was so tired and my muscles hurt. A different tired than Tuesday. Not sleepy just to tired to want to move my body. Saturday still tired but trying to move. Sunday woke up tired but better went to acupuncture and felt great. Work on Monday had to sit in a hot room and all day felt like I was sliding down a slow hill of tired. Went to bed before 8:30 pm up at 5 walked the dog felt OK. Not great but not bad. Now I am at work and feel like I am on the hill again.

Made a Doctors appointment but can't get in until next Thursday when your only complaint is - I am just tired. Aacupuncturist thinks I am not eating enough. I never thought I could say this but I am eating as much as I can. I just can't put "anything" in my body right now knowing I want to loose weight to have this baby.

Of course my mind would love to run wild that this could be it but I know it is way too early to have any symptoms. I am probably just having major side left overs from the injectables? (January)

ivf drugs are no joke

I am only taking the Chinese herbs right now so I guess I am still having left over side effects from the iui drugs. Once a day or so my breast hurtl like all get out. It is like they are being stuck with a thousands needles. It hurts when I hold them and when I don't hold them. It just freaking hurts. Still working on this diet. I only lost half a pound I can't believe it only half a pound. I am too hungry for only half a pound. Let me stop this is making me feel worse.

Chinese herbs

The acupuncturist has me taking one herb to "relax" my uterus and one to increase my fertililty. It is almost look pull and push at the same time. The one he gave me to relax I have been on for two months now and he also gave it to PJ to help with her menopause. That actually worried me at the time but now I just think it is a "woman regulator" in general. It seemed to give more energy and help to decrease my appitite a little.

Now the new fertile pill seems to act like a firecracker. It will create more cervicle fluid and aid in better quality of eggs.

Then this morning my pants dropped on my waist. The kind of these are too big for you drop. Hooray. Pound loss is still 6 pounds( I really wanted 10 for this week)but this drop looks like a 20.

Tony is on a vitamin that has definitely given him more energy. He is so energetic in the morning. Last night he did some moves in bed that were well WHEEW!!!!

He said I felt different and better last night also. I guess we will keep up what ever is working.

Time for my walk.

crappy feeling

Maybe if I write and let it out I will feel better. I feel like crap. My back hurts, my breast are sore, and I am hungry as all get out (lunch will be gone way before noon). I am sleepy and cold. I am also bored to death at work and need a project to distract me. I don't want to go to the meeting later today but I will it's not like I have to do anything.

starting to move on the weight

Technically I gained .2 of a pound according to Weight Watchers but in my mind I did loose. Especially since I gained more than half the week I was in NC and AF came on Sunday which also means saturday my body was holding water weight. My scale at home is down 4 pounds in two days. So I have a lost that just didn't show on Saturday. I am mentally going to work for a 10 pound lost this week. Realistically it is impossible but that includes the 4 that have left in two days and I still have five days to work on 6 more pounds. Denise has taken on my cause and she is suggesting that I give up dairy and meat. Protein wise I am eating a peice of turkey in the morning and a couple of almonds during the day. Fruit and Veggies are taking center stage especially spinach. Eating just can't be a focus to stay with during the day. Dewit(acupuncturist) also told me to adjust my attitude and become more positive. I guess he can't understand why I feel so hopeless. I have been positive so many times that it's hard.

We went in this morning for bloodwork and hopefully the insurance company will authorise the medicines soon. We are still comming close with the money but as usually if we don't get it soon there will always be something else that will eat it up in drips and drops.

Still waiting for DC to send the 2600 I spent about 1k of the 2400 just catching up on bills. Will put it back with this next check though. I need DC to get on the ball though.

3300 Down

I better watch it with this money. Tony had to buy a car last week as his car has just failed us one too many times. We got a nice car, nice but used. Only we had to spend $3300 of the 6K he had for Tiger. I will be on his ass to put that money back. It overall just made more since than trying to spend $600 a month on a car payment. We will be saving over $200 a month. If I scrimp I can probably add $800 a month to the saving but I am not telling him that. I want that money put back ASAP. NO New NOthing!! Except my breaks for my car. I will be so glad when August gets here and my car is paid for. That whole $350 is going to my credit card only.
I don't like to be in debt like this Tiger would be worth it.

Should would be nice if he could come with no charge.

My weight although not flying off is moving a little. I only gained .50 of a pound in NC considering it was not that bad. I am again very tired. I am always tired after a trip to NC. I will try to hit the bed by 8:30 tonight so I get up and workout.

on the road to IVF

According to Dr. B and staff IVF will cost $9400 + this and that. It looks like we will need close to 15K without the meds. Hopefully we can get the meds with a little discount. T was able to get a loan for $6625 I have a tax return for 4500 and there is 2500 on myflex card benefits. The other 1350 I xan save between now and July at $500 a paycheck or so.

Of course it would be wonderful to find out that we don't need it and get pregnant Naturally.

The diet is so hard down here in NC. I try but there is nothing else to do but eat here and nothing good to eat no matter how hard I try. I will keep trying.

Denise said she will help me when we get back and I can't wait. I did loose 3 last week that was good just need to keep it up.

Loosing for the IVF

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that we will have to go through IVF. I am actually a little more comfortable with it. Now hopefully the money is still available to Tony and we can get it started. I am trying desperately to loose as much as possible by the end of June. I may reevaluate the date at some point. Dr. B wants us to get started as soon as we are ready in dealing with my age. I just want him to order the meds. One of my friends on the blogs has gotten pregnant with an IVF trial. I am very happy for her especially since she didn't have to pay for the procedure. I know we may only have one chance at this and I really hope it works.

not trying and still not happy

We weren't trying and we didn't get pregnant again. I am so sad. It is really hard to lift up from this. Why am I expected to just keep it on high all the time. I try but I just can't keep smiling when I am failing on the inside.

I always thought that if I could find my husband then the rest of my life would just play through. Instead I feel like I bringing more pain into Tony's life. He doesn't deserve this.

I feel like I have been crying for an entire year. This year in ways has been worst than the years after Eric. Then it has also been the best year because of Tony.

Hopefully the scale will keep those 3 pounds off (maybe two more) by Saturday.

I just feel awful.

Finally some good sleep

Yesterday I was so tired I was dragging. By three pm I called DH and explained that I really needed to miss bible study and go to sleep. I went to sleep at 8:30 pm. The come down part from getting home fixing dinner to sleep was so needed. I feel so much better. Almost that I can say I was in danger health wise from need of sleep.

I was able to wake up at 5 - 530 and take the Dogs for a walk without feeling like I would fall asleep as I was walking. Can't wait to go back to sleep tonight.

amazing how much sleep I need

Since I had the accupunture I feel like sleep is the greatest item in the world. Today I would pay for a closet to just be still in. My wonderful husbands libido is so off right now. First of all we are suppose to be on a two - three months break of activily trying for a baby. To me that means figuring when we should be fertile and not having sex during that window. Well this month that seemed to work ok because we were at my parents house. Low and behold on Saturday a little tease turned into some great sex. I didn't think we would have that time since he didn't take the "helper", he said that the excitement of sneaking around was just so great for him. The whole experience was great for me also. Overall we are probably safe as I felt the ovulation cramps the day prior but the egg could have just been hanging around. I used the ovulation test when we got home sunday night and the line was still strong. Not as dark as the control line but only by a little bit.

Then last night we tried some more fun with out the helped and for a minute it seemed to be working but he couldn't finish it out. He then got the helper and finished it out at 5 am this morning. Now I am tired as all get o ut.

I wonder if he just isnt in to me. He says that is not it. Another factor into saturday was that we went by a "classy" adult entertainment store. He loved everything in the store.

Guess I better let Dewit (acupunturist)know what happened. Can't wait to get there. I know I am going to sleep for my hour. Tired so tired and work is boring.

Loved it

I loved the whole experience and Dawit was great. His approach and confidence in our ability to have a baby was amazing. I know I need to lose weight, although him telling me that was not new his path of making me understand the implications with my child's conception and ability to survive just changed my attitude. He wants me to take a couple of months and concentrate on my weight and health. During the acupunture I was able to meditate and have a good long talk with myself and my appetite disappeared. I made a decision that no food taste as good as the mission I am on. Then I went home and talked to Tony about this journey I am on and the support I need from him. We even got into a fight about "swimming". He loves to swim and I can not get him to understand the hair implication and work that will need to be done daily if I were to swim. Eventually we made a deal that I will go swimming and he will help me do my hair (I am natural and the Dominicans are a present from God to me). I think after one three hour session of pulling he will get the point.

I plan to walk and I am also interested in taking classes. They are pole and exotic dancing classes. Now when I brought that up Tony was in full support of me doing that. (SMH- typical)
I have now convinced Tony to have an session with Dawitt.

I am so committed to this healthy habit I ate an egg this morning. PROTEIN Breakfast. And I am not complaning (YET).

Siblings

That is what this feeling is like. When I was little and I would ask my mom and dad for siblings they would constantly tell me that with as much as I cost there was no way. It was my fault. When I would do something bad, they would say and you want us to have more or you, no way. It was my fault. I always felt that I did not have siblings because of how much trouble I was. How expensive I was. It was my fault my punishment. OMG I have really carried the fact that I did not have siblings on my shoulder. When I found out where babies come from I thought it was my fault I didn't have siblings because I slept with my parents every night. Now I know that my mom actually had medical issues that would not allow her to have more kids but i always believed overall it was my fault and that I was being punished. I remember eating two hamburgers at McD's to make my stomache poke out so I could have a baby for my mom.

This is the same feeling I have now. That I am being punished and for me there is no greater punishment than being alone. But I have Tony and I am so greatful. He is so good to me and I am so thankful that I have him. Thank you Lord for my wonderful husband.


I am at my desk totally in tears and I don't know how to get out of this building.

Love Yoga

I love my yoga class. I am so relaxed and full of energy this morning. Slept great last night and temps seemed to have adjusted to Daylight savings and keep rising. May be the Yoga but I have very visible veins running through my chest and one that looks like a hook on my breast. I have had this before but don't remember when or why. Of course it is a sign of pregnancy like everything else. The pulling has stopped. The Yoga probably stretched it out. Much better today. It was nice to hear that DH wanted to surprise me and take me to our hotel for anniversary but we just can't afford it or it is not worth the money in my oppion. I hope to come up with something we will both enjoy. Took a few breaks in writing. It looks like spending the day in Baltimore will work out for us.

I hope I can give him the gift I want.

More pulling this morning

I have a lot of pulling going on this morning. Yesterday was naseua city. It just didn't go away. I tried not to let DH know how sick I was feeling going with the I am tired. Frankly I was tired and naseasa ( I know my spelling is way off but who cares). A lot of CM.

Boobs don't seem to hurt. Head does hurt. I want so badly to give this special present to DH for our anniversary. Please Lord allow us this moment.

looking forward to the weekend

1. I enjoyed the baked potato from Wendys
2. Talk with the nurse
3. Sleep at 9:30


I smell everything and the nausea is starting to kick in. I just love the rise in Progesterone. Hunger is on point. But then again I haven't had much to eat this morning.

My poor co-worker spent the whole week out of work dealing with fertility issues. She just did her second IUI and it didn't work. They found a fibroid and it apparently is making her not have a period at all now. She has decided to give up on the baby making for a while. She is 32 so she has a few more years. I feel so sorry for her. Her medical issues are way worse than mine. I am just older and it may take a little more time to get at good egg. I am thankful for my problems because I do know God will work it all out.

Not feeling to bad today. It only gets better.

Relaxing through the day

1.Napoleons face
2. Dogs enjoyment of walk in the rain
3. Good night sleep

- I am sleeping better and better each night since Yoga. I am so happy to lay my head down and close my eyes. Yes I am tired but I have discovered a new enjoyment in being a sleep. It is wonderful. One of the biggest highlights of my night was waking up and finding out it was 12:30 and I still could sleep for HOURS!!

- I am having that pulling feelin in my uterus again today. I pray that is good. Never had it for this long. It could be just a reacation from Yoga I guess but it feels different than a muscle.

- And now peeing is becomming an every hour issue. Not drinking more water actually the same as I have been for years at my desk. Probably the vitamins.

- For some reason I am noticing my brian seems to be a little off. I am forgetting names, what I was thinking, picking up the phone not remembering who I was calling. This morning I tried to open the office door with my remote for my car.

But at the same time I am happy as a Lark full of engery and can't wait to go to sleep. :)


I had to come back and post this. I was feeling a couple of cramps in my ovary area on the right mostly so I thought I would put my feet on the trash can to stretch it out or something. Now I can not stop yawning. I feel like I am going to drop a sleep. (HA HA HA). I took my feet down but yawning is not easing up at all and I am tearing up. What is this?

Just some sleep

I didn't know I was not getting enough sleep. Monday I had been texting to LT how much I want to go away. How tired I was of waking up early with the dogs. Then I went to yoga on Monday night and I was relaxing down. Tuesday got up with the routine and I was dragging hard. Tony suggested I stay home and just get some sleep. For once it sounded like something I needed to do. Also I could feel my uterus pulling from ovulation real tight. Sleeping sounded like medicine to take. I took it and slept so hard that when I woke up I looked forward to going to sleep again that afternoon, and I did. It was wonderful also. Then I got to back to sleep between 9:30 - 10 pm. I feel so much better this morning and I can't wait to go back to sleep.

I felt ovulation on Monday into Tuesday. We have been baby dancing every other day since friday so we should be covered. I still feel a lot activity even today, which is a little different. Funny, always trying to find something different to make this cycle the one. I am still amazed the last one didn't work. I had every sympton and some I didn't know were symptons untill I read about them this week. One of the girls in our yoga group had a chemical last week. As bad as I felt for her loosing the preganancy I was so envious that she at least got to that point. That is terrible of me and I pray the lord to forgive me.

I am in the two week wait again. This time I will try to let life go on. It is hard but I need to look at being able to do something else.

going backwards

I am reading "Taking Charge of your Fertility". I wake up every morning to take my tempature. I am looking to see when it rises. That will tell me I am ovulating? Obviously I still have no idea. Actually it tells me that I have ovulated. Then I also do the opk. No surge yet and I am checking the ovulation calculators online. Overall I know that ovulation should becomming soon. It is not like last time which felt exactly like I was taking the shots. A lot less cramps and feeling. Starting to feel the cm comming along. Boobies a little sore. I pray we can do well this month.

I have a name now come on Baby.

I would guess agonizing about what to name your baby could consume anyone. What to name a baby you seem to be having trouble conceiving really takes over. Before I ever met Tony- oh let's be honest- as long as I have been alive I have planned my wedding. There have been many revisions but I was always ready with want I really wanted. That groom part just took a little longer to find than I thought. Now the Baby seems to be comming in his/her own time. Not long after Tony and I decided to marry and that we really wanted to have a baby we named him. Anthony Armstron-William Brown (the - may or may not stay). He would be called Tiger since Daddy is called Tony. It felt so right so natural. Probably why this journey has been so surprising. If he were a she was little different. We combined the mother names into Roslyn and Marilee. This would go in the middle. The first name I didn't have clear. My favorite is Whitney. Not feeling it. Then Noah. Kinda. My mom wanted Antonia. Which I did not fancy at all. I didn't want her called Tonia. Then today I saw the name on the internet for something and Antonia Marilee Brown just sounds awsome!!! Emphasis on Tone not Tawn. Tigerett we are ready for you!!!

Jesus - I am asking you to bless us with a conception, a healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby to be born. I pray for this favor and I know you will deliver. I rejoyce in the excitement of your gift and thank you Lord. Thank you Lord. In Jesus Name Amen.

Better Today

I went to Yoga yesterday. I feel alot better today. Getting some exercise and just doing something just for me felt good. I am going to try to take some selfish time and move just for me everyday. It was scarry hearing from Hannah next to me that at 38 she has done IVF three times. The first time worked but the baby died during the second trimester. Everyone else is jsut like me still trying. It gets better. I know it gets better.

I really am trying

I really can't stop crying. I am sad all the time. I feel like noone can understand what I am going through. People keep telling me to "not think about it". How is that at all possible? I wake up I am not pregnant. I go to the bathroom I am not pregnant. I eat breakfast I am not pregnant. Everything I do every minute I am not pregnant. Don't think about it. It is always there. Do you pray? WHAT that is a ridiculous question and insulting. I am never not in prayer. I try to walk every step in the word. Lord I am asking you for help. Help us to have a baby. Thank you for the baby you have put in my heart and desire. In Jesus Name Amen.

No more questions

Spotting started last night and this morning no more questions to ask. Tony is really great and I am a mess without all the tears. Dryfeus is still sick so I slept on the couch with him last night but I do see some improvement with him. I am just that I am.

Late or Not

This is kind of weird and wonderful. When I was on Progesterone before in April it delayed my period for a week or so but the next cycle my body got back on track and my period came early if not exactly when it would have if I had not taken the progesterone. Now in January took the Progesterone delayed a week now next cycle. The day I had spotting would have put me back on the schedule I was on without progesterone which is why I just knew that was it and AF was comming. but the spotting stopped. The CM is plentiful. I where a pad because I have hemoroid that is bleeding but no AF. Now if I count from last cycle I am due Sunday/Monday. If I count from Progesterone I am two days late. I want to get excited but it is still to early. the HPT on Tuesday was a negative but could still be too early. The symptons continue but I have symptons every month, but I am so constipated right now I feel like I am sticking out. I am full. Come on Sunday and please let me see that second line. In Jesus name Amen.

Just spotting

The spotting I had yesterday stopped. That has never happened and I am very thankful. I took a HPT yesterday evening and got a negative. If I still am doing well on Sunday morning I will test again. I also have a nasty hemoriod. It bleed last night pretty bad. I got some preparation H and it is better but still bleeding at least it doesn't hurt as much.

Of course I have googled the spotting and testing and I have found the answers I want and the ones I don't.

Lord, I know you will deliver. Thank you for all you have done and will do for me. In Jesus name AMEN.

another bust

Well after having some pretty high hopes for this cycle I know that it is a bust on the natural side and we will keep trying for a little longer. Funny how my body regulates it self to stay on track but I can't seem to get an egg to take.

I guess I need to get serious with the exercise the diet as IVF is getting closer and closer.

I am a little sad but still hopeful.

Flu (Again)

I guess the fertilit drugs are making me more suspectable to viruses or it is just a bad year for the flu but I have it again but a different version. While in Savannah starting on Thursday - really wed my stomache felt really strange. Like diarehia but without it. When I did eat it didn't take long for it to come right out. I had breakfast and lunch (crab dip good) had to go to the bathroom right after. Stomach kept feeling worst. I thought AF would come any minute kept feeling really wet. Friday although I felt very hungry could not get my appetite to choose food. Then I went to McD's for what tasted like the worst meal ever and a chocalate shake. One hour later I knew I had the flu. Two hours later I knew it was a stomach flu when the shake came back. It is Sunday and I have eaten only a bowl of soup and many crackers. I am starving but still can't come up with food that won't hurt or make me gag. Even the Nyquil is hard to keep down. I am too scaired to go out that I will throw up and I hate public restrooms, but I cant decide what I want to eat. I would love some spagheti but I think it will hurt. I just want food in my stomach.

I am watching DH walking around and he looks so cute.

In Savannah

I am in Savannah, GA for three days. Two full and two half. DH is not here and I miss him like crazy. My co-worker is here and he is ok but not my DH. Can't wait to go home. Don't have as much nausea but still have some. Also my bowls are in movement a little more than usuall. Still have cramps and cervical mucas is there. I think I have hemroids. A little pain feels like it.

DH called and Dryfeus misses me and won't go to sleep. lol

Wow - What a weekend

I am so tired and I can't really name all that I have done to be so tired. Last night I went to bed at 8:15pm and did not regain conscioness untill 5:15 am. (I did wake up around 10 pm to check on DH) Overall really knocked out. Yawining this morning like I have done an all nighter. My stomache feels like nasuea and diaherea, but I am also starvin like Marvin. My breast are so sore. I have all the sypmtons that I get from being on the meds without the meds. My progesterone must be overworking. I am pretty sure ovulation was on Friday. I felt the cramps and the pressure like and IUI. We BD on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday morning. If it was Friday we should be covered. My ovulation test were off the charts on Thursday and Saturday non-existent. I also have slight cramps today. I feel like my body is working overtime. There is no way I could be having real symptons it is just too early. I keep wondering if the last test were just wrong. See now I am becomming delusional.

Dear Jesus, I pray this prayer everyday in everyway. You know the desire in my heart for a baby, a healthy baby, to raise with my husband in your teachings. I pray for your blessing. In Jesus name. AMEN

After listening to Joel today "Receiving your inhertance", I will now change my prayer.

Lord, Thank you for the blessing thank you for the favor. Thank you for Tony and making him everything I knew you wanted for me. I am in agreement with you. God if you say it I agree. I will be a mommy and Tony will be a daddy. We will be the family we know you have for us. Thank you Jesus. In Jesus name. Amen

Sitting up in my room

Everyone at work is involved in a project and they are all leaving now. Ok not everyone but not me. I am kind of hanging out. I have alot done for my event next week.

Still waiting for CareFirst to get their system together. That is so messed up I cant even write about it.

Trying to also develop a piece and calm that will let me not incure stress.

We are getting things together for IVF in June but if a natural occurence could happen I need to not be stressed in the mean time.

Well I dont really have much to say.

keeping on

Now that I have calmed down from the embarrasment of having my doctor tell my co-worker that I need IVF before he told me which I am still mad about, I have to begin to face some realities and start to look for optional plans.

Plan A - Shoot for a June date for IVF. Take half a loan and half retirement to pay for the three cycles. In the next five months try loose as much weight as possible. Maybe do two IUI in April and May. And of course keep trying the natural and see what happens.

I am also going to begin to look for another job possibly in North Carolina. No need to stay here and they don't want me any more than I want them.

Pastel feels this exact same way. I pray for both of us to naturally become pregnant and show these Doctors that God has favor on us.

Lord, I know you can hear me and I need you now. I need this natural blessing. I know you wont put upon me more than I can handle. You know what I need and my hearts desire, please lord show me favor. In Jesus Name Amen.

HIPPA

Well aint this a blip. My Dr who I have been waiting to call me for two days told my co-worker this morning that I need IVF. She told me!!! That is so against the law. I am so embarrassed. I had to just pretend that I already knew. Then I have to tell her that I just don't have the money. I mean we all knew we went to the same Dr but he didn't need to go into detail with her about my condition.

I am trying to calm down. Now I need to find $10 K.

Waiting for a call

Once I met Tony I just knew I would never be waiting for a man to call me again. It just never ends. I went for my pregnancy test yesterday and I already know it didn't work but the Dr's office wont confirm it and move me on. I don't know what is wrong. They didn't call yesterday and I call this morning and the nurses said that Dr. Butler wanted to call me and they did not know he didn't call yesterday. That was two hours ago. They said they would go get my chart and give me a call. Nothing. It is not that hard to tell me it didn't work again. It is not that hard to even tell me they don't want me to come back to the clinic. The worst case senarios are just mounting in my head. Why won't they call. I keep staring at the phone. It still has not wrung. I wont make other calls scaired that he might call while I am on the phone. How bad could this be?

At work with the cough

I am still sick. I just keep having this phelm gathering in my throat. It is the strangest cold ever. I don't feel sick as much as I am suffering from the every couple of hours need to get the phelm out. and if I don't watch it I will pee at the same time the coughing starts. Not a good condition to be in at work. I seem to be getting a little more control over it. At least I know to make myself go to the bathroom before I cough. then I seem to be able to get it out a little more quietly (I hope).

Ervin keeps asking me if I am OK, then he said I sound bad and look bad and I am moving slow. I didn't see myself in that bad of shape. I am going to try to stay at my desk to not get in anyones way.

My period has not come yet but I am on the progesterone and it won't come untill I stop taking it. I took a HPT on Sunday and it was negative, but that was only 5 days past iui or seven days past trigger. Way to early for a real positive. I was actually testing to see if the trigger was still in my system. Too scared to test again mostly been to sick.

Dear Lord, Please allow us to become pregnant and have a healthy happy baby. I also would like to pray for MrsKC who is going through alot right. I know you are watching over her and will give her the strength that she needs. In Jesus name Amen.

Progesterone low

In the midst of this very bad cold (verified by the urgent care doctor). My progesterone level came back at a 5. That is very low so I need to go on supplements. I guess there is still hope but not much. I don't really feel anything this time so far. I have been too sick to really notice. I don't have the usual cramps just a few. No stabbing feelings.

I wish we had the money for the IVF. I am ready for it now.

Dear Lord,
Please help us to have a healthy happy Baby. In Jesus Name. Amen.

What a sick weekend

I have been so sick this weekend. This is the worst cold I have ever had. It is not the flu since I dont have a feaver or body pains. I threw up a lot yesterday after coughing up some flem (tmi) then I couldn't help but get sick at the Grocery Store today. Sick once so far at home but I feel at least one more comming up before bed.

The dogs are asleep like they have been drugged. Napoleon stuck to me like glue when I was sick. Tony has been as much of a doll as he can be. He really is trying to make me better. He wants me to see a doctor but I know this is a cold, just the worst cold ever. Hopefully Tiger is just making it a little worse than usual.

I am so proud of my husband he went to volunteer for football at the church. I really find that so attractive.


.

Only day 3

It is only day 3 and not much going on as it should be. Other than I have a terrible cold including complete loss of voice/sound. Just the usual sore boobs and heartburn which has more become a part of the routine. My foot seems to be recovering from the arthritis. That is good.

Please In Jesus name help us to conceive and bring forth a health, happy, Godly, Baby. In Jesus name - Amen.

IUI was Yesterday

Had IUI yesterday. We had a small ice storm so everyone was running just a little late for everything. We got to the sperm collection around 8:15 instead of 7:30. Tried to give the ice a chance to melt. Then instead of going somewhere to wait until my turn at 9:45 we just sat in the office. It wasn't too bad and frankly the time flew by. Dr. Butler said the one on the right was a follicle so we have a good chance that we had six eggs. Prayfully one will fertilize and implant. I had to tell Pastel that we were doing an IUI. Eventually my not wanting to share became more of a lie. So we are one day off.

I have a bad cough today and my foot hurts from arthritist. Napoleon was walking all up and down me yesterday and then he took one leap of faith that really hurt. It was kind of high on my stomach so I don't think he messed up anything but who knows maybe he made the egg pop out more. :)

Emotionally I was ready to kill Tony. He is so great but sometimes . . . Mostly it must be the hormones.

Lord, please be with us. Please bless us with a healthy baby. I am so thankful to you for the many and I mean many blessing you have given us. I wish I could say that if you just do this I will never ask for anything else but I know that is not true. I will be praying for that baby to prosper and thrive in your word daily. I will be praying for us to be able to provide for that baby and I might even ask for a second baby at your will but for right now if you could bless us with this baby I am already and will forever be eternally grateful.

In Jesus name, AMEN.

Gotta keep trying to exercise and eat right.

slow and steady growth but is it two slow?

We went to the Bl/US day 12 this morning. I am a little happy and a little concerned. On tuesday we had 14,13, 12,12, 10,9. This morining it was 18,17,14,14,14,13. Not bad but not great. The 14 need a couple of more days of growth. I need them to hit at least 17 for release. So I expect that the RE will say to stay on shots until at least Sunday. Overall my 12 grew real slow but my 10 and 9 did pretty good. The 14 and 13 did well also. My blood work will give more information. The Overdril shot will also give a big burst of growth.

Worked out last night. It felt great.

Please Jesus help us to have a health baby. In Jesus name AMEN.


Just wanted to update - Nurse just called. Stay on Gonal F 200 for two more days. Take trigger on Sunday and do IUI on Tuesday. Pretty much what I expected. That should get the 14 to around 18 and the 18 should be at 22. Then with the trigger that should give us 4 or 5 over 20. Poor DH can't take off work again but I will call in sick for the day. I will make sure he gets lots of rest for his deposit.

Nothing out of the ordinary today

Funny how all the movement, cramps, flutter and mood swings become super normal after doing this awhile. I do have a lot of "growth" going on. Feelings like my uterus is pulling. Hopefully I will be able to trigger Friday or Saturday night and have the iui while we are out for the MLK holiday. Hey no promises but maybe Tiger might have King as middle name or better yet his twin brother will definately have King as a middle name. Just a thought.

Heading to the gym tonight.

In Jesus name please help us to have a healthy baby. AMEN.

I will be there for her

Ok so my coworker was crying her eyes out this morning. She is probably more having a clomid cry but they are all real. I mostly just sat with her and gave her a chance to talk. I also told her it was perfectly normal to feel the anxiety, excitement and anger of this journey. I tesitfied that I cried my last cry and gave it to Jesus. She is a little apprehensive that her husband is not as involved as she would like. I had to thank Jesus that Tony is with me every step of the way. I explained that although Tony comes to every appointment and is super supportive, I feel alone many times. Mostly I feel alone that I am the only one who can't do this. I told her she will have to learn to work with her feelings. Learn what she needs to do to help her get through this because she is only on Day 3 and she will have many more days like this. Don't I know.

Tony always reminds me that this journey is our testimony I guess it is.

In Jesus Name, please bless us with a baby Amen.

Care First (REALLY)

I have had a rough morning/afternoon but for my baby I would go through a million times more. First Ervin ask for me to present to his interns with less than two hour notice. No problem. As I was getting that together I get a call from the RE's office that I was being denied coverage for the IUI by my insurance company. The insurance company said I was only allowed 6 IUI's. Then in the same breath they tell me I have unlimited Artificial Insemination. After round and round conversations with pre authorization and member services I end up on the phone with Rob. Then the RE's office told me they would handle it. They call me after the presentation and tell me it is an Admin problem and I would need to appeal the process. Apparently the medical code for IUI and AI are the same thing (since they are the same thing this is logical). Eventually after a long conversation the RE's office will submit the request and just call it AI.

By the way my blood work came back ok. Now I have four follicle I am hopeing will make it and this will be my baby and my tesitimony.

Thank you Jesus for this day and help me make it though the rest. In Jesus name AMEN

Day 9

Went in for U/S this morning. They did find 6 follicles (.95, 10, 12,12,13,14). Probably go back on Friday and hope for a (18,18,19,22) that would be great. I just want that one good egg. Pastel did her day 3 on Sunday and she is excited but trying to claim that she is not excited. She can't help it. I wish her the best and I wish me the Favor.

I went to church on Sunday and I was truly moved with the respect and honor of Favor. After the Pastor's wife prayed for the women who will concieve and bring fourth child, I really began to feel a lot of activity. Still feeling alot of snap, crackle and pop movement. Looking forward to the call from Kim. She said my estrogen was down on Friday but I think there has been a growth spurt to make it catch up.

Just had a project pop up.


In Jesus name, please help us have a healthy baby, Amen

UGGGGHHHH!!!!

I have avoided Pastel for a month. Why can's she take a hint. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want her giving me that poor you look. Just leave me alone. If I have something to say then I will.

She just cornered me at my desk. I understand she is excited to begin her medications this weekend. Let's see how she feels in six procedures later. I don't mean that. I don't wish that on her. I don't wish it on anyone especially me.

I just feel so broken with pieces missing. I want the world to go away.

Here we start again

Went in for U/S and Bloodwork today. It is day 2 so there is nothing to report. Probably come back on Friday or Saturday for a checkup.

Emotionally I am a mess. I can't look at Tony. His eyes are filled with so much disapointment. He touches me and I feel undeserving. I don't know what to do. I can't talk about it. I just don't want to go there. I only feel like I need to go away but I can't and I won't.

He is really great and I am so favored by God to have him. I just wish I felt he wasn't being punished to have me.

Right on time

Well as scheduled AF showed up this morning. This time she didn't even give the hints that she was comming. I so enjoyed this weekend of believing she wasn't comming and the "allusion" of sharing my body. It was a true and real blessed feeling. It now seems like a lifetime ago. I am very sad but have made the decision that I am not going to breakdown like last time. Last time I went to a place that scaired me. I really did not see me getting back up. I don't have the strength to go there again. I will just deal with the situation and get ready to do it again. I just ordered the medicines and made the appointment to come to the Doctor on Tuesday instead of Wed.


Going to stay positive this time it will work.

In Jesus Name Amen.