I really am trying

I really can't stop crying. I am sad all the time. I feel like noone can understand what I am going through. People keep telling me to "not think about it". How is that at all possible? I wake up I am not pregnant. I go to the bathroom I am not pregnant. I eat breakfast I am not pregnant. Everything I do every minute I am not pregnant. Don't think about it. It is always there. Do you pray? WHAT that is a ridiculous question and insulting. I am never not in prayer. I try to walk every step in the word. Lord I am asking you for help. Help us to have a baby. Thank you for the baby you have put in my heart and desire. In Jesus Name Amen.

No more questions

Spotting started last night and this morning no more questions to ask. Tony is really great and I am a mess without all the tears. Dryfeus is still sick so I slept on the couch with him last night but I do see some improvement with him. I am just that I am.

Late or Not

This is kind of weird and wonderful. When I was on Progesterone before in April it delayed my period for a week or so but the next cycle my body got back on track and my period came early if not exactly when it would have if I had not taken the progesterone. Now in January took the Progesterone delayed a week now next cycle. The day I had spotting would have put me back on the schedule I was on without progesterone which is why I just knew that was it and AF was comming. but the spotting stopped. The CM is plentiful. I where a pad because I have hemoroid that is bleeding but no AF. Now if I count from last cycle I am due Sunday/Monday. If I count from Progesterone I am two days late. I want to get excited but it is still to early. the HPT on Tuesday was a negative but could still be too early. The symptons continue but I have symptons every month, but I am so constipated right now I feel like I am sticking out. I am full. Come on Sunday and please let me see that second line. In Jesus name Amen.

Just spotting

The spotting I had yesterday stopped. That has never happened and I am very thankful. I took a HPT yesterday evening and got a negative. If I still am doing well on Sunday morning I will test again. I also have a nasty hemoriod. It bleed last night pretty bad. I got some preparation H and it is better but still bleeding at least it doesn't hurt as much.

Of course I have googled the spotting and testing and I have found the answers I want and the ones I don't.

Lord, I know you will deliver. Thank you for all you have done and will do for me. In Jesus name AMEN.

another bust

Well after having some pretty high hopes for this cycle I know that it is a bust on the natural side and we will keep trying for a little longer. Funny how my body regulates it self to stay on track but I can't seem to get an egg to take.

I guess I need to get serious with the exercise the diet as IVF is getting closer and closer.

I am a little sad but still hopeful.

Flu (Again)

I guess the fertilit drugs are making me more suspectable to viruses or it is just a bad year for the flu but I have it again but a different version. While in Savannah starting on Thursday - really wed my stomache felt really strange. Like diarehia but without it. When I did eat it didn't take long for it to come right out. I had breakfast and lunch (crab dip good) had to go to the bathroom right after. Stomach kept feeling worst. I thought AF would come any minute kept feeling really wet. Friday although I felt very hungry could not get my appetite to choose food. Then I went to McD's for what tasted like the worst meal ever and a chocalate shake. One hour later I knew I had the flu. Two hours later I knew it was a stomach flu when the shake came back. It is Sunday and I have eaten only a bowl of soup and many crackers. I am starving but still can't come up with food that won't hurt or make me gag. Even the Nyquil is hard to keep down. I am too scaired to go out that I will throw up and I hate public restrooms, but I cant decide what I want to eat. I would love some spagheti but I think it will hurt. I just want food in my stomach.

I am watching DH walking around and he looks so cute.

In Savannah

I am in Savannah, GA for three days. Two full and two half. DH is not here and I miss him like crazy. My co-worker is here and he is ok but not my DH. Can't wait to go home. Don't have as much nausea but still have some. Also my bowls are in movement a little more than usuall. Still have cramps and cervical mucas is there. I think I have hemroids. A little pain feels like it.

DH called and Dryfeus misses me and won't go to sleep. lol

Wow - What a weekend

I am so tired and I can't really name all that I have done to be so tired. Last night I went to bed at 8:15pm and did not regain conscioness untill 5:15 am. (I did wake up around 10 pm to check on DH) Overall really knocked out. Yawining this morning like I have done an all nighter. My stomache feels like nasuea and diaherea, but I am also starvin like Marvin. My breast are so sore. I have all the sypmtons that I get from being on the meds without the meds. My progesterone must be overworking. I am pretty sure ovulation was on Friday. I felt the cramps and the pressure like and IUI. We BD on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday morning. If it was Friday we should be covered. My ovulation test were off the charts on Thursday and Saturday non-existent. I also have slight cramps today. I feel like my body is working overtime. There is no way I could be having real symptons it is just too early. I keep wondering if the last test were just wrong. See now I am becomming delusional.

Dear Jesus, I pray this prayer everyday in everyway. You know the desire in my heart for a baby, a healthy baby, to raise with my husband in your teachings. I pray for your blessing. In Jesus name. AMEN

After listening to Joel today "Receiving your inhertance", I will now change my prayer.

Lord, Thank you for the blessing thank you for the favor. Thank you for Tony and making him everything I knew you wanted for me. I am in agreement with you. God if you say it I agree. I will be a mommy and Tony will be a daddy. We will be the family we know you have for us. Thank you Jesus. In Jesus name. Amen

Sitting up in my room

Everyone at work is involved in a project and they are all leaving now. Ok not everyone but not me. I am kind of hanging out. I have alot done for my event next week.

Still waiting for CareFirst to get their system together. That is so messed up I cant even write about it.

Trying to also develop a piece and calm that will let me not incure stress.

We are getting things together for IVF in June but if a natural occurence could happen I need to not be stressed in the mean time.

Well I dont really have much to say.

keeping on

Now that I have calmed down from the embarrasment of having my doctor tell my co-worker that I need IVF before he told me which I am still mad about, I have to begin to face some realities and start to look for optional plans.

Plan A - Shoot for a June date for IVF. Take half a loan and half retirement to pay for the three cycles. In the next five months try loose as much weight as possible. Maybe do two IUI in April and May. And of course keep trying the natural and see what happens.

I am also going to begin to look for another job possibly in North Carolina. No need to stay here and they don't want me any more than I want them.

Pastel feels this exact same way. I pray for both of us to naturally become pregnant and show these Doctors that God has favor on us.

Lord, I know you can hear me and I need you now. I need this natural blessing. I know you wont put upon me more than I can handle. You know what I need and my hearts desire, please lord show me favor. In Jesus Name Amen.

HIPPA

Well aint this a blip. My Dr who I have been waiting to call me for two days told my co-worker this morning that I need IVF. She told me!!! That is so against the law. I am so embarrassed. I had to just pretend that I already knew. Then I have to tell her that I just don't have the money. I mean we all knew we went to the same Dr but he didn't need to go into detail with her about my condition.

I am trying to calm down. Now I need to find $10 K.

Waiting for a call

Once I met Tony I just knew I would never be waiting for a man to call me again. It just never ends. I went for my pregnancy test yesterday and I already know it didn't work but the Dr's office wont confirm it and move me on. I don't know what is wrong. They didn't call yesterday and I call this morning and the nurses said that Dr. Butler wanted to call me and they did not know he didn't call yesterday. That was two hours ago. They said they would go get my chart and give me a call. Nothing. It is not that hard to tell me it didn't work again. It is not that hard to even tell me they don't want me to come back to the clinic. The worst case senarios are just mounting in my head. Why won't they call. I keep staring at the phone. It still has not wrung. I wont make other calls scaired that he might call while I am on the phone. How bad could this be?