Lunch us at 9:00 am

Everyday I bring my lunch and everyday it is gone by 9:00 am. Now I don't leave work until 4:30 - 5:00 pm so of course I am starving. Yes I eat breakfast doesn't help. It is almost like the food is calling my name.

At least I am not still consumed with this cycle. I will add that this morning there was a lot of activity on both sides. Ususally it is one side or the other not both. I hope that is a good sign that we can get 5 follicles again. I have also been real good about keeping this close to my chest. The few people who I told last time I have told them that we are only running test. Troy probably knows because he has been through it but he doesn't ask for detail and that is good.

It is also amazing the sleep I am getting. I sleep through the night and I haven't done that in a long while. I ususally get up around 2 to use the bathroom but now I sleep untill about 4:30 which is when I begin to wake up to get the dogs out by 5 or so anyway. Maybe my body is still healing.

Maybe a little excitement

Ok - So today I woke up and it is not so bad. The sadness is a little less and joy is trying to come. I do have to realize that this was the first IUI since the operation. I have to open myself up to a little time. Also I have to find other things to do. I am going to concentrate on my Christmas village. I must mention that the shots must be doing something as my left ovary has had alot of movement and the right only a little twinge. Next US/Bloodwork is Thursday.

CD 6 - Shots and more shots

Today is CD 6. I can't get excited about this cycle. My mind won't allow me to get happy. I have a horrific headache. Still waking up very sad. It has got to get better.

CD 3 More tears

I hate to sound so unhappy but that is where I am today. Frankly, after the last two days of realizing that I am not pregnant I have cried so much I didn't think there were any tears left but there were plenty. I cried yesterday in the Doctors office when Dr. Sacks congratulated one woman. I don't know her story for all I know she just completed IUI 6. The worst part is how my emotions affect Tony. I don't want to hurt him or make him want to go away but he doesn't like seeing me feel bad. I feel caught in a trap. I need to express how I feel but I don't want to make him feel bad. This morning, I just got exhausted. I walked the dogs, made his lunch, made his breakfast, made sure the food and water for the dogs was done, woke Tony up so I can make the bed. One of the dogs peed on the carpet and Tony told me about it. I wanted to cry, why couldn't he just clean it up. I cleaned it up. I forgot I also gave Simba a bath ( he smelled so bad). Then I had to clean the bathroom it was a mess. Now I have to get my self together. I left a bag of trash and after I got dress realized that Dryfeus tore open the trash. Tony walked right passed it, my heart really sank, and then I heard rustling downstairs and Tony came upstairs with a new trash bag. Now I really felt like the most ungrateful person ever. He is so good.

I did start the Gonal F 200mg last night. Here we go again. Please God help us.

So Sad

Who do I go to argue that this can't be happening? I feel like I am being punished. Don't even try to tell me of someone in worst shape, there is always someone suffering more than another. I just want my baby. Just one. I have never wanted anything more than my husband and my baby. It took forever to find my husband and yes I had over given up and accepted that it wasn't going to happen. At least I also felt that I really hadn't met anyone I knew would treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Then I met Tony. He was so different. He put me first. He wanted to do for our family. Immediately I knew he was my husband and the father I wanted for my baby. Other guys gave me the "well at least my baby will be cute" but I never looked at anyone (in my adult life) and knew this was my family and baby's daddy. Ok so maybe it has been that long since we have been trying but shoot it wasn't suppose to be this hard.

At this point we have gone through working with one doctor (waste of time and I knew it) iui. Then a break as we switched doctors. Next iui which revealed that the fibroids where in the way. Remove the fibroids. 4 weeks out of work. 2 weeks of real pain. IUI number 3. All the signs were fabulous. I responded with 5 eggs. FIVE. Do you have any idea how much pain is involved in producing FIVE EGGS. Tony did great and we had a 20 mil count- from the man who produced only 1 mill at our first appointment. Progesterone was through the roof at 33.7.
Nausea, Acne, Rash, dizzy feeling I had it all and I loved it. Then it is all over. I don' t even get to test and I now I have to start over again.

Tony saids "Thank you Jesus" we will make it through. I want this for him as much as I want it for me and I never thought that would happen. I always thought of my baby as mine but I want our baby for us. I want to take the picture. I want to go to church with our baby. I want to tell him to find a younger woman to have a baby with but I don't trust anyone to take care of him the way I know I can. I want my baby to know my mom and dad. He already will have missed his paternal family.

OK - I know he is comming. In God's time not mine. I still believe that it took all these years of failed relationships for me to learn to love and appreciate a good man like Tony. Well each cycle is equal 10 years of life. This baby will be so loved and his life raised with God first, Family, and Education.

Did I also mention that I have had to go through 4 people in my circle (2 work 2 family) having babies. I can't tell you the last time someone I know had a baby and now when I want one their popping out of the woodwork. Put on your happy face Stephanie !!