Still here

I can't believe all these months that have now turned into years and I am still so sad, mad and disappointed. I guess my period is comming soon as I feel like clawing through a wall right now and frankly I feel like I deserve to. I am sick of this shit. What did I do God? Why am I being punished for so long?

I know it has been awhile since I posted. My life is so busy right now I barely make time to go to the bathroom. The kids are getting better slowly but surely. They are actually transitioning to the new schools pretty well. Brian wakes up this morning and asked can he go to the new school today. Tony goes up and down. I have stopped his attitude and comments to get rid of the kids. That had gotten on my last nerve. Now we are just settling in.

A little closer to a diagnosis

J went to the Doctor yesterday who did agree he is ADHD and she gave the prescription for the med. Now we have to get a judge to say we can give it to him. We know the birth mom won't allow it. For once I really feel like the counseling session was helpful. She was more clear in expressing that the kids although not tramatized in their former homes still carry some baggage from home to home and must be retrained to erase each homes influence. I get it. We can't expect that the last three years of non training will be erased in two months. Still would really like to have a baby. I want to be pregnant. I want to go through Labor. I want to hold my healthy happy baby. I want to look into eyes and see features that really are mine and DH. I still would love my sons but I just want one more.

Getting back on track

It has been a while since I have written. Been really busy. Too busy. The boys are more than a handful. We knew one child was special needs but really too are. O is on ADH medicine and some mornings I want to push it down his throat. His personality is horrible. I really don't like this child. He wakes up in the morning defiant that he is not going to listen to anything I say. He doesn't want to put on his uniform, shoes or anything. He wants to watch TV and back talk everything I say. His behavior makes Joseph look normal. Several times this weekend I was fully prepared to say OK take them all back. Bj truly saves them all from being dropped off at police station and then there are some days I want to put him in the front seat. And yet I still want to have a baby.

no birthday for Omar

Yesterday was Omar's birthday. We had only planned for a trip to McDonalds and cake. Then he misbehaved so much that we ended up staying at home. Omar had a dinner of chicken and fish sticks and green beans. The other children got hamburgers (quicker than cooking). The adults had cake late last night. I am so sleepy this morning. DH is also so tired of this constant bad behavior. I know he is going to eventually give up and say I don't want to do this anymore..

Grandma is here

My mom comes to town and the stress takes a vacation. The kids act so much better when she is around. I am ready to invest into turning the basement room into a nice bedroom for her. There has to be a way we can rearrange the the door through the garage to get outside and . . . Frankly I'd rather moved to NC with her. anyway. It is Omar's birthday and he is acting like a little prince. Not that I am complaining. If he hadn't acted up he would have had more. Maybe next year. Headed to McD's tonight for burgers and cake. The kids will get to hang out a little late tonight and play.

The weekend is over THANK YOU GOD!!!! These children are alot of work. Thursday was so bad with Tony taking a class and I had to take the kids to the Omar's doctors appointment. I so did not want to come home on Friday after work. Friday started off bad with Joseph hitting and kicking. Tony went to get a hair cut and seem to take forever to come home. BJ was cutting up bad. He mimicks Joseph and that is not a good thing. Joseph had scratch my throat and hit and kicked me so much on Friday that I was in tears when Tony came home. Tony went down the street were Officer Robinson was taking a break and brought him back. Officer Robinson came in the house and said which one of you is Joseph. Then took him downstairs and talked to him about where they take bad boys and how he would come back to get him if he hit mommy or daddy again. Well guess what the hitting stopped. There are moments when Joseph thinks about it but we remind him and he straigtens up. Now that doesnt mean that Joseph doesn't act up but he doesn't hit. Now Omar on the other hand seems to want to walk on the wild side lately. The kids do so much better when they are separate. BJ did stay dry most of the day. Except for when we were in the car and I just couldn't get him to a bathroom in time. He did pretty good.