no luck again

Not sure how I am righ this moment as I am at work and crying just won't with this heat. Started spotting today will see if it turns into full hope it holds off one more day just so I don't see a 23 day trend starting. That may more show less time left to have Tiger. Just really sad right now. I think I could have come to terms with not having a child if I didn't have a husband, because it took so long to come to terms with that part. Then he showed up and I thought great we should be able to get this baby in right under the wire. Now that looks almost impossible and I have no one to blame but myself. I am old. I am overweight. No one but me created this environment.

what I learned

Yesterday I went and up and down the hill of illness too many times to count. I did learn how to sneak into the office we use to make private calls and go to sleep for 15. TWICE!!! What a great idea I felt like Einstein that I discovered it. In the car with Tony this morning sitting in traffic - sleep!!! Whatever this is I am at least learning to live with it. I still feel tired but it starting not to bother me as much. I guess I am starting to really believe this is a positive sign. Still too early to test but I am hopeful. Then it turns out I have 7 hours of comp time. I am taking it Friday and trying to see if I can sleep untill Saturday
My breast feel like they are cought in traps. That is not as unusal. The one part that I do hate is that people keep telling me I look sick. My neighbor last night on the deck (where we have girl talk) told me she could tell I was sick from the sound of my voice and that I just seemed sick. I thought I was doing good, I had just slept for two hours. Time to go work.

better then worst

I was starting down that hill again so I went to get some soup. I was very happy that the Potato Soup was on the hot side. Took my time to get there. Felt like I was walking for ever. So tired and I couldn't find anywhere to just sit down. Then I came back ate my soup and started filling so much better. That was an hour ago. Now I feel like I have been hit with a mac truck of exhaustion. This is freakin weird.

back on the hill

Well day 8 or 6 whatever but again I feel real bad. I felt great this morning when I woke up. I felt good when I go to the office. For the last hour I feel it all going down. The nausea is up and I the no energy is going over me fast. I have eaten and am drinking plenty of water but not feeling better. Really want to go home but to embarrassed to be sick again and not pregnant at work. Hopefully I will feel better later and this will be another come and go instance. Funny if I knew I was pregnant I keep thinking I can withstand this illness in a different way, but I would still feel sick and make it through so that is why I am going to try not to complain now and just deal with it. I had a lot of ceverical mucas yesterday and I think it was kind of a mustardly color. I don't think that is a good sign so this cycle is probably a bust also and I just have a lot of Progesterone making me sick. I feel so bad physically and emotionally.

not as tired

The good thing (I guess) is that I am not as tired as yesterday. Still not 100% but much better than before. Health wise it is good baby wise it kind of scares me as to if I am producing the progesterone hormone that would make me tired. I guess I will know next wednesday.

I really hate this. I just want to get pregnant and have a healthy happy baby. Please Lord.

still tired

I don't know what is going on with me. Last Tuesday I stayed home because I woke up tired. I had been pretty busy the days prior and piling on the exercise so I didn't really think it was a big deal. Plus Tony is on this new vitamin from the Acupuncturist and . . . Let's just say he is keeping me up a little more than usual. Then Wed was ovulation and it can pretty uncomfortable and I just wasn't in the mood to see my co-workers. Thursday went back to work and exercise full strength. Friday felt like I had been hit with a Mac Truck. I was so tired and my muscles hurt. A different tired than Tuesday. Not sleepy just to tired to want to move my body. Saturday still tired but trying to move. Sunday woke up tired but better went to acupuncture and felt great. Work on Monday had to sit in a hot room and all day felt like I was sliding down a slow hill of tired. Went to bed before 8:30 pm up at 5 walked the dog felt OK. Not great but not bad. Now I am at work and feel like I am on the hill again.

Made a Doctors appointment but can't get in until next Thursday when your only complaint is - I am just tired. Aacupuncturist thinks I am not eating enough. I never thought I could say this but I am eating as much as I can. I just can't put "anything" in my body right now knowing I want to loose weight to have this baby.

Of course my mind would love to run wild that this could be it but I know it is way too early to have any symptoms. I am probably just having major side left overs from the injectables? (January)

ivf drugs are no joke

I am only taking the Chinese herbs right now so I guess I am still having left over side effects from the iui drugs. Once a day or so my breast hurtl like all get out. It is like they are being stuck with a thousands needles. It hurts when I hold them and when I don't hold them. It just freaking hurts. Still working on this diet. I only lost half a pound I can't believe it only half a pound. I am too hungry for only half a pound. Let me stop this is making me feel worse.

Chinese herbs

The acupuncturist has me taking one herb to "relax" my uterus and one to increase my fertililty. It is almost look pull and push at the same time. The one he gave me to relax I have been on for two months now and he also gave it to PJ to help with her menopause. That actually worried me at the time but now I just think it is a "woman regulator" in general. It seemed to give more energy and help to decrease my appitite a little.

Now the new fertile pill seems to act like a firecracker. It will create more cervicle fluid and aid in better quality of eggs.

Then this morning my pants dropped on my waist. The kind of these are too big for you drop. Hooray. Pound loss is still 6 pounds( I really wanted 10 for this week)but this drop looks like a 20.

Tony is on a vitamin that has definitely given him more energy. He is so energetic in the morning. Last night he did some moves in bed that were well WHEEW!!!!

He said I felt different and better last night also. I guess we will keep up what ever is working.

Time for my walk.

crappy feeling

Maybe if I write and let it out I will feel better. I feel like crap. My back hurts, my breast are sore, and I am hungry as all get out (lunch will be gone way before noon). I am sleepy and cold. I am also bored to death at work and need a project to distract me. I don't want to go to the meeting later today but I will it's not like I have to do anything.

starting to move on the weight

Technically I gained .2 of a pound according to Weight Watchers but in my mind I did loose. Especially since I gained more than half the week I was in NC and AF came on Sunday which also means saturday my body was holding water weight. My scale at home is down 4 pounds in two days. So I have a lost that just didn't show on Saturday. I am mentally going to work for a 10 pound lost this week. Realistically it is impossible but that includes the 4 that have left in two days and I still have five days to work on 6 more pounds. Denise has taken on my cause and she is suggesting that I give up dairy and meat. Protein wise I am eating a peice of turkey in the morning and a couple of almonds during the day. Fruit and Veggies are taking center stage especially spinach. Eating just can't be a focus to stay with during the day. Dewit(acupuncturist) also told me to adjust my attitude and become more positive. I guess he can't understand why I feel so hopeless. I have been positive so many times that it's hard.

We went in this morning for bloodwork and hopefully the insurance company will authorise the medicines soon. We are still comming close with the money but as usually if we don't get it soon there will always be something else that will eat it up in drips and drops.

Still waiting for DC to send the 2600 I spent about 1k of the 2400 just catching up on bills. Will put it back with this next check though. I need DC to get on the ball though.

3300 Down

I better watch it with this money. Tony had to buy a car last week as his car has just failed us one too many times. We got a nice car, nice but used. Only we had to spend $3300 of the 6K he had for Tiger. I will be on his ass to put that money back. It overall just made more since than trying to spend $600 a month on a car payment. We will be saving over $200 a month. If I scrimp I can probably add $800 a month to the saving but I am not telling him that. I want that money put back ASAP. NO New NOthing!! Except my breaks for my car. I will be so glad when August gets here and my car is paid for. That whole $350 is going to my credit card only.
I don't like to be in debt like this Tiger would be worth it.

Should would be nice if he could come with no charge.

My weight although not flying off is moving a little. I only gained .50 of a pound in NC considering it was not that bad. I am again very tired. I am always tired after a trip to NC. I will try to hit the bed by 8:30 tonight so I get up and workout.